Kara

I texted you that day when I returned from the district court. Elated was I, as I let you know my (soon-to-be) official name in the entire legal documents. I was (and still am) truly honoured as you cherry-picked my first last name and decided to call me with it, replacing “Rika”–the name to you I initially introduced in our virtual encounter. Virtual ever since, so will it be… I think, forever.

My old, shabby J5 is apparently the only platform where it stores your chronicles I can treasure. Unknowing will there be someone who can make it worth-treasuring no more. Until then, I may flick through your pictures until my vision blurred. Being caught off-guard and perplexed in between reality and remorse. While the fading pains resurface, I know I will survive once more, twice, thrice, forevermore––not as a filthy attention seeking whore but as a battle-hardened warrior.

Insane how three stint years flee like a fugitive. Throughout those years I feel receptive, oftentimes I become self-deceptive, battered myself into pieces, to the point of losing who I am as supposedly composed rational being. I see a winsome kid, a conceited bitch, quarrelling twins, brainiac lady, a reckless and adventure-loving girl, (another) gender dysphoric twins, or something unfathomable inside a pandora box I wish to remain unlocked forever.

My feeling is like a sailor with no destination, forced to set sail but reluctant to take off the anchor. I still harbour this deep-seated feeling to you knowing it will only be unrequited and despondent. A feeling highly saturated with remorse, guilt, shame, and possibly subconscious fear.

Just like the name you cherry-picked, previously unbeknownst to you denoting a Turkish word that is representable to who you are. Be that as it may, I am happy. Even so when you said you would name your future kid with the same name, with a slight modification to fit your root.

I wish you an everlasting happiness, as I am slowly disentangling my grip on the disillusionment. May our souls cross path in another dimension, where bliss and suffering are dispersed into nothingness.